"Why aren't you happy?", my mother asks me. We're standing in the bathroom. I've finally calmed down after I -what only can be described as- loosed my shit. And indeed, why aren't I smiling like all the others on Facebook. With one hand occupied by a glass of champagne and the other with a balloon happily stating my academic success: you're offically a cultural heritage professional! Whoop-dee-whoop!

"Congratulations and celebrations are the last thing on my mind."

No. Instead we're standing in the bathroom. Me and my mum. While the air surrounding the smiling people is filled with confetti and cheers, my surrounding is filled with tears and a certain desperation. Congratulations and celebrations are the last thing on my mind. My happiness is taken hostage by a lack of endorphins. And, if things weren't already looking bad, their demands for a safe return are lost in translation. Or rather: are unclear due to an imaginary demanding voice declaring all the reasons why I don't deserve champagne, balloons, confetti and cheers. Not least for my inability to fake a smile.

The girl who has it all

Four months. It's been four whole months since my last blogpost. Although in the mean time there have been some changes made to for instance the lay-out and pages (I've got a FAQ page now!), it's been rather quiet around here. Naturally I had good reason for my silence. For one I'm now officially a cultural heritage professional and, for two, will be going to university to study Gender Studies. But to be able to achieve both those things I needed my full attention. I wanted to make sure that absolutely nothing was going to stand in my way. That little piece of paper was going to be mine, one way or another.

"And now I did it. I did it. And now?"

I've had a to-do list stuck on my forehead. I was blinded by the overwhelming task upon task. My full attention went to ticking every box that was on it. And now I did it. I did it. And now? I'm left with this indefinable feeling. A certain emptiness towards my achievements. Although this feeling isn't new and slowly fading away, there's still no confetti and cheers filling the air. A fact that baffles me but isn't surprise party startling.


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Do what makes you happy

So what can someone achieve in four months? Well...

1. You can do a combined internship at Modemuze (collaboration project between 13 museums with fashion/costume collections) and the Museum of Bags and Purses (one of the Modemuze-partners).
2. You can help build an exhibition called It's a Men's World (until 27 August 2017) all about men and their bags. And get your name on the wall for everyone to see.
3. You can do research for the next exhibition (all still very hush hush, sorry!)
4. You can do some more research to the online (digital) and offline (physical) experience of visitors at the first Modemuze exhibition at the OBA and write a report about your findings.
5. You can hand this all in and write a paper about the process behind your research.
6. You can be invited to join the editorial team of Modemuze.
7. You can get a degree in Cultural Heritage, specialising in Narrative Space and fashion museology. No biggie.

AND you can get accepted to university... These four months just keeps on giving... So why the long face? Why no Facebook-bragging, champagne throwing and back patting until your skin is rainbow coloured? It beats me. (pun intended).

#firstworldproblems

I've written this last part many times, many ways, but somehow I can't justify my feelings without either sounding ungrateful or building up/building down my accomplishments. The list above is entirely self-indulgent and self-rainbow-patting. I AM being dramatic. So let this be a sign of me distancing myself from the crying *drama queen* in the bathroom and embracing the next step of my life.

"Maybe it's a good start to say: stop whining, start doing."

Although I've delayed this 'first' post for a very long time (as I want to make this blog bigger and better), maybe it's a good start to say: stop whining, start doing. Because ultimately who cares? I care. But for you this whole blogpost is just a nod of 'oh she isn't dead, yet' and hopefully 'oh I look forward to her next real post'.


I recently read somewhere that if you feel wronged, sad or mad, it's even more important to share love, happiness and goodness (although your heart wants to act on its bitter feelings). One is allowed to cry in the bathroom, but one is not allowed to drown the world in a bathtub and call it a day. Certainly not as one is grieving success instead of loss.

So now I did it. I did it. And now? Now I'm going to work on what makes me happy, hopefully adding a few more successes to the list. I'm going to bloody university and do my utmost best to make it the best. I'm going to blog about things that interests me and that hopefully interests you too (think fashion, museums and maybe even the odd pop cult reference here and there). And maybe I will finally post a cringe worthy and bragging Facebook post with champagne, balloons, confetti and cheers. And maybe even with a genuine smile on my face... combined with eyes that scream 'help me'. SPREAD THE JOY!

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