Guess I'm A Fool | Sea You Later

by - August 30, 2016

You told me you were leavin'
After all we've been through
Guess I'm a fool
Falling in love with you
Hugh Laurie - Guess I'm A Fool 

Round up, count up and wound up?

Oh no! It's the last (minus 1) day of August! "What does this mean", I hear you ask in anticipation. Well. This means that this will be the last 'Sea You Later' post of the year. This also means that I'll be doing a round up of all things summery. Or better: what this summer has 'meant' to me. (ugh). As it's traditional that summer ought to be a 'growing period', a period of comtemplation, of getting yourself together and then to present the 'new' and 'improved' version of 'you' on the first day of school. I can reassure you that, unfortunately, no such big jumps have been made (she said, while stressing out over the agenda of coming weeks. Nothing has changed. *whispers* Nothing has changed). And as I read somewhere, it's highly impropable that such a 'big reveal' will make its intended impact, as for instance seen in movies, when considering the average social media use. New you? Not according to those 20 or so selfies you've posted over the past couple of weeks on Insta, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat... (not to speak about all those breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack snaps you took when on holiday).

I think it's the curse of summer that you for one think you're going to be a better person (say: I'm going to read twenty or so books and excercise and not stress about the little things (the future) and eat healthy and be happy etc. etc.) and for two think that you've got the time to do just so. That you have the time not only to look at/improve yourself, but next to that to have the time to just sit back, 'relax' and do nothing (or close to nothing). "You've been fooled my friend", I said to the reflection of myself in the mirror. Each year I believe in the miracle that's called summer. Each year I've been beaten down by that same prospect.

I hate the question "what have you done this summer?". Not only because this means a social conversation with someone I probably don't want to be social with (this includes well-meaning teachers and uninterested fellow students; and yes, I'm writing this in that kind of mood, but don't worry, at the end I'll feel obliged to either end on a happy note or I'll probably put this into a wider perspective -as I'm funnily enough actually already doing right now. That's also to say (as I begun this post on a 'new me, see me' sentiment): it's probably rather a sign/fear of 'the end', the end of summer, and 'the beginning' of something new (of a new, last, schoolyear) than it is a reflection of the 'actual' people I mention above. Although, therewith, I must also say that I'm not a social person and I don't like conversation with 'strangers' (this includes well-meaning teachers and uninterested fellow students). I don't know these people, so it is on one hand rather unfair of me to resent them in advance. But also -in my own defense- very understandable as I'm not there to social or be social (it puts you/me into a position that's, in simple key-words, too much. Stop hassling me with your faked interest!).

"What I've done this summer?", how kind of you to ask. Well, as you might know, I've stayed close to home (due to multiple reasons, but also as a 'tradition'). We had our ups and our downs (most accurately, I think, demonstrated in [this] post).* But overall it was an 'alright' summer. I've not necessarily changed or have undergone an XTREME makeover, a transformation, which makes everyone turn their heads and pave a way for me with their drool (although I must question whether this -in essential- is something I want to strive for in my life?). However if I must believe the media the real jumps, the real changes in 'being', is evoked by the means of travel. To go out of your comfort zone. To go backpacking in your neighbours garden. And as my previous statement must have betrayed: I've never been far far away (let alone on my own, which -I forgot to mention- is the ulitmate change-maker you could experience. Seriously, I don't get why we don't just drop 'our' kids off in the wild wild west and see if they ever make their way home again. A LIFE LESSON would be learned! We all would be saved! WORLD PEACE!). So really it's a question whether my environmental experiences, up to now, have actually been capable to give me such an experience, transformation, 'everyone' is talking about? (although I think it's more something that can be related back to a social environment instead of an actual 'place'. I mean, Amsterdam, London, Berlin etc. won't cure you. Atleast, they won't cure you if you're not open for that cure or if everything else fails you (therewith: it takes a certain 'emotional level' or 'state of mind' that can make or break you. Naturally, obviously, a place/environment has its influences on this 'state of being' that can accentuate or appreciate (compliments) the 'change' you're 'looking' for but the ground work needs to be done first, I think (I guess (I don't know)). Basically it takes more than an 80s montage to make you anew).

How's your summer been? Done some traveling? Feeling like a changed wo/man? (fight me) And last question, in this subtle interrogation: have you changed? Or just 'feel' changed but in reality you're still the same person doing the same thing over and over again? (asking for a friend).


*Actual lowest point: Me trying to transfer some pictures from my camera onto my laptop. I put the USB in the USB-thingy. Nothing happens. I try again. And again. And again. AND AGAIN. I panic. There's something wrong. Is it broken? Are my pictures lost forever? It doesn't work, why doesn't it work? What is this? What? What? I call (yell at) my sister, all worked up. I keep repeating "It doesn't work, it doesn't work". She looks at it and puts the USB in the USB-thingy. There's immediately a connection. I'm relieved. I look at her as if she just performed a miracle. "Why didn't it work?", I stammer. "Well", my personal IT employee responds, "that USB is for the camera, that USB is for the external hard drive. If you put the hard drive in there, the camera won't work and...". I stopped her mid-sentence. I looked at her fired up (embarrassed). "How long have I been doing this?", I asked myself. What a fake. What a fake.

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