There are no bad pictures, that's just how your face looks sometimes.
| Jumper: InWear | Coat: Berschka | Trousers: Charity shop (Dior) | Shoes: H&M | Hat: Forever21 | Gloves: Vintage | Scarf: Grandma's |
I don't like myself. Well, I do like myself but I don't, ya know? I'm in this forever struggle of love and hate. A battle of the mind... And I'm almost ashamed to say that this love/hate relationship also manifests itself into the way I look (or the way I sometimes perceive myself to be looking). There's nothing wrong with the way I look and there are so many things wrong with the way I look. Depends on the day, really.
I've noticed that when I get stressed, I get more anxious (I hate that word, it's so over-used) and when I get anxious, I self-doubt and when I self-doubt I hate everything. Not e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g (although try to convince that to grumpy little me), but most things that are either breathing or not, talking or not, standing or not... just everything really. The smallest something can certainly be THE BIGGEST LITTLE AIUSDHSFKSDFJKSDFNSDGDLSG EVER I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT. Wouldn't really think that of me when looking into those innocent eyes, would ya!
Trying to get back to the point I was about to make (sort of):
I like to analyse everything. Especially when it comes to the way I look. As a rule I don't like photographs of myself. I don't look like how I want to look (which is that 'perfect' image in my head that I will never ever be able to reach because SPOILER ALERT perfection doesn't exists. What a shame, what a shame).
In my many attempts to try to look Vogue (your typical non-expressive, yet sparkle in the eye- facial expression with skeleton attached to it), taking a picture became an absolute burden I put myself -and mostly my mum- through (because, ya know, I like myself, but I don't. I like this outfit, but I don't. I like my makeup, but I don't. I'm an absolute joy to live with...).
SO WHAT'S CHANGED? WHY ARE YOU PUTTING US THROUGH ALL THIS NAGGING?
Well, I'm still not a rolemodel when it comes to loving myself and all of that jazz (have you ever met such a creature that 100% loves itself? And no, your dog doesn't count...). BUT -yes here we come, slowly but steady- since Ive changed the way I stand in front of a camera, it all has become more... fun. Who'd thought?! Standing in front of a camera and fun to be typed in the same sentence, it's a miracle!
Don't shoot what it looks like. Shoot what it feels like.
David Alan Harvey
I think we all know where this one is going, but I'm going to finish the story, darn it! Since I've let go of Vogue (have you seen the latest September issue of the American Vogue? The holy grail of fashion? Well, I think dear Anna Wintour had an easy one because it was all just advertisements. It took me 224 pages to turn until I'd finally reached the table of contents part I (it took me another 10 or so pages to find part II, let alone any actual content!!)) I've found something that's even better: magazines from the 80's/90's. Not just any magazines, but magazines with patterns in it of the clothing these wonderful people are wearing and that I'm now trying to find the time for to make. MAKE. IT. ALL.
These wonderful people aren't just modelling, these people are heaving fun, caught in the act and anything but perfect. THEY ARE AMAZING! I'm obsessed, really... Just spread your legs, play with your collar and pull some faces. I'm good at this, I can do this, I... I... I kinda like these pictures of me... WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO KNOW???
Fun fact: when these pictures were taken it was about 30+++ celsius degrees. I was wearing a wooly jumper, trousers from a thick fabric, a thick lined coat, a scarf, gloves and a hat (no socks though).